1.) Don’t drink and dial Anyone with a teenage son or an ex-boyfriend is familiar with the “drunk dial” — that spontaneous, rambling, late-night phone call brought on by the perfect amount of whiskey that prevents one from speaking complete sentences but still allows them to recognize numbers. One Florida man tried to drunk dial his local sheriff’s department by calling 911 and asking for a ride to his friendly neighborhood liquor store. When the dispatcher refused to send a deputy to pick him up, he called back two more times after being warned and was arrested. [Gawker]
2.) Nailed 'em If you’re calling 911 to complain about the manicure you received, and that’s the least intelligent thing you’ve done to get yourself arrested, you’re better off either pleading insanity or blaming the whole incident on a demon that lives in your head. A Florida woman called 911 to report a nail salon for cutting her nails too short, and if that wasn't dumb enough, she called three more times and offered several excuses for calling the dispatcher back — from being unhappy with the way the deputy handled the situation to accidentally hitting redial on her cell phone because her nails were too long and she had to dial with her knuckles. [My Fox Orlando]
3.) Beer today, gone tomorrow If it weren’t for alcohol and the people who drink more than their share of it, everyone with a criminal justice degree would have a hard time paying off their student loans. So it’s no surprise that dispatchers have invested a great deal of time in learning how to speak “drunklish,” but some calls are beyond describing in words in any easily slurred language. This Florida man (Again in Florida? Are they purifying the public water supply with Thorazine down there?) called 911 to report his own mother to police for taking away his beer and insisting that they arrest her. The dispatcher told her they wouldn’t book Mommy, so he insisted that he would keep calling until they locked her up and threw away the key. When police arrived to arrest him for making false calls to an emergency number, deputies described him as (surprise!) “very intoxicated.” [NBC Miami]
4.) With a super-sized side of stupid It’s no big secret that fast food cuisine is about as healthy for you as being smacked in the face with a tire iron. Who knew that bad nutrition could affect your mental health as well? That’s not meant to be a cleverly worded observation. It also happens to be true. Can’t a snarky comedy writer enlighten as well as entertain? A woman in Laguna Niguel, CA, made a 911 call to her local police department to see if something could be done about the incorrect order she received from her local Burger King. She claimed she kept ordering a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, but the clerk kept handing her a “hamburger with lettuce, tomato, cheese and onions,” and she felt a police officer should get involved in this obvious miscarriage of justice. Officers were not dispatched and no charges were filed. Snopes confirmed the call was made to a 911 dispatcher but could not determine if the caller was trying to file an actual complaint or was just pranking the police department, and either way, it’s a dumb reason to waste a dispatcher’s time. [River Front Times]
5.) Remote signs of intelligence Dispatchers have a challenging job, trying to make split-second decisions with scant information on real-life emergencies while coordinating an entire fleet of police officers in the field. However, even a brain-dead test monkey who couldn’t count to six and voted for a Green Party candidate could determine in less than a microsecond whether or not this is a real emergency. A woman in Upper Saucon, PA, called 911 to ask for help in obtaining the remote control to her TV set. Apparently, she was sitting in her recliner, dropped her remote control and couldn’t reach the thing without getting out of her La-Z-Boy. Police did not file charges against the caller. [The Morning Call]
6.) Stupornanny As the pioneering broadcaster Edward R. Murrow once noted, television can have a profound influence on a viewing audience. It’s too bad he wasn’t clear on which direction. A woman in Wisconsin needed a babysitter for her child, so she picked up the phone and dialed 911. The dispatcher told her they couldn’t help her and hung up the phone, but a police officer was sent to her house anyway. The woman explained to the officer that she saw the reality show “Nanny 911” and thought that it was a commercial for a babysitting service and that 911 was the number to call to arrange for a sitter. [Live Leak]
7.) Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, charge me I’m sure that somewhere out there in the universe, a couple exists where one of the two was a police officer, and the two hearts came together over something as routine as a traffic stop. If this next case resulted in just such a blossoming relationship, I hope and pray that no reproduction of the species is taking place, or I'll have some deep fears about the future of humanity. A woman in Oregon got a ticket from a sheriff’s deputy that was apparently easy on the eyes and decided to call the sheriff’s office to ask if he’d like to go on a date. She didn’t know the number, so she called 911 to see if she could leave a message for the handsome young chap. The deputy answered the woman’s message, returned to the home she called from and arrested her for misusing an emergency line. So I’m guessing that’s a maybe? [Associated Press]
8.) Half-baked with a badge It’s not often I come across a dumb criminal story where the dumb rube in the situation is the one with the criminal justice degree. In this case, I’m betting he got his from one of those schools where the entrance exam consists of drawing a turtle on the back of a matchbook. An officer in Michigan confiscated some pot from some suspects and instead of placing it in evidence, he took it home and had his wife bake it into some pot brownies. Apparently, the stash he took was CIA grade because it got him and his wife so high that he called 911 because he thought they were overdosing on the pot. “I think we’re dying,” he told dispatchers. “We made brownies and I think we’re dead, I really do.” The officer resigned from the police force. [Associated Press]
9.) A flurry of fools When tragedy strikes a neighborhood or a community, it’s comforting to know that in times of dire need, an entire population can work together as one single unit to screw things up for the rest of us. Several communities in New York City proved that lesson during a severe snowstorm last January. A blizzard blanketed the town under four inches of snow and created an untold number of real emergencies, but law enforcement and paramedics were overwhelmed with non-emergency calls made to 911 dispatchers. One person complaining of breathing problems really just needed a ride to his methadone clinic. Some parents in Brooklyn called paramedics for a sick child when in actuality, the parents were trying to get their kid to do his homework and hoped the paramedics could convince him to buckle down and study. A Staten Island resident got tired of waiting for his bus in the cold and wanted an ambulance so he could sit inside of it and warm up until his ride arrived. [New York Post]
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and definitely NOT a Florida native. He can be found on the web at DannyGallagher.net and on Twitter at @thisisdannyg.
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